Module 1
Lesson #4: Your Beliefs About Yourself
Our beliefs are powerful, even if we don’t say a word about them, you can see them manifest in life. They trickle out and come to fruition in your experiences, no matter how much you try and hide them.
If you don’t believe at a subconscious level that you deserve a good man, that will energetically send a message with the men you date and no matter what you do, it will come out. You can try all the affirmations you like, but without believing them at a subconscious level, your beliefs won’t change. It becomes a few words or a pretty vision board of what you want with a deep belief that you don’t deserve to have a good man or a good relationship. It is essential to change the way you think and the way you feel about yourself. If you deeply believe at the subconscious level that you don’t deserve it, then that is exactly what you will make happen.
When you enter into a relationship believing you don’t deserve to be loved, you’re not worthy, or you’re not good enough, these thoughts you automatically influence the relationship without saying a word. Although his belief is the total opposite, over time your belief will influence his and he will start to believe that you don’t deserve him.
Love blocks and barriers are those negative beliefs, the ones that convince you that you don’t deserve love and can’t have love. These signals can be read in your body language, actually 93 percent of these signals come through your body language and your non-verbal communication rather than what you say.
Realising what your beliefs are can be tricky because they are there but you don’t always know it and live in a place of sub-consciousness. These beliefs often show up when are influencing your life, looking at what you experience and the results of these beliefs – that’s why it is important to observe the mind state you operate in.
Many of my clients just like you, experience challenges in love. You could say you want love, you crave it, but somewhere deep inside your psyche you believe love is not safe; you believe you will be hurt, they will walk away and abandon you, you will be trapped, lose your freedom or whatever it is you unconsciously associate with love. It is within human nature to avoid pain and keep yourself safe, so when the unconscious mind feels unsafe it does everything to avoid it, even love!
These unconscious thoughts come from past wounds and triggers that drive your behaviour, so you never have to feel that way again. However, the only way to move through these triggers is to identify them and release the wounds associated to them.
This is what keeps women single: the conflict of wanting a relationship but not wanting to get hurt. It’s impossible to get into any relationship without the possibility of feeling hurt at times, but the problem is if you go about life thinking that love equals hurt, your behaviour will get the opposite of what you crave, a loving relationship!
When you have this conflict, it is the exact reason you block the intimacy you are looking for, even if you are trying to be open the invisible walls are up and ready for battle… not love!
Most men don’t want to go into battle with a woman – only toxic men buy into that energetic battle you are expressing. They are interested in the battle, the struggle, the ups and downs. The functioning man will be thinking “Is she safe? Will I get rejected? Can I make her happy?”. However, when he sees that wall you have up, he doesn’t feel safe nor feels he can make you happy.
So, when a man has a relationship with you from your place of fear and mistrust, that’s what you create: a relationship of fear and mistrust. This attracts the unavailable man, the man that cheats, the man you walk on eggshells around, in some cases the man you are scared of. Your beliefs are re-enforced by a man who has done the very thing you expected, creating a cycle of belief creates your reality.
Protecting yourself from being hurt is stopping you from finding love; you are avoiding pain at the expense of love. The best thing to do is to accept you might get hurt but you will survive! Setting boundaries will be your best friend when dating to help let your walls down with positive, healthy boundaries. They help you define who you want to be in a relationship and allows the other person to meet your standards and be who you need them to be, making what you want clear.
Believe it or not, men find boundaries sexy! That’s right, they find it sexy when a woman knows their expectations, knows what they want and are vulnerable enough to drop the walls and place boundaries. Walls act like a concrete barrier, they can’t see past the wall and they will never get to know you, but boundaries act like a like a wire fence; he can see you and knows that there is some work to get to your heart, but it is attainable. Men hate to fail, and a wall makes them feel like a failure making them pull away and disconnect.
Do you remember a situation where you felt that way on a date or when meeting someone? When you have a wall up, men see it and feel it. It’s in your body language, your lack of warmth and eye contact, folded arms, rigidness and heavy energy between the two of you. It should never feel like hard work, but these walls are hard work not only to keep them up but also trying to bring them down.
You need to change your dating game, it’s how you show up in life and when meeting people. Be warm, make eye contact, smile and have open body language. My favourite saying is “be curious”. Meet someone new with a smile, the immediate warmth or attractiveness in a smile is undervalued these days, plus smiling instantly makes you attractive and approachable.
When you bring positive energy and addictive vibes, men can’t resist you. Why? When you smile you must connect with self in some way, creating a space for flow where everything is easy. This means the conversation, the banter, the energy is in flow, which equals easier to connect!