Why We’re Addicted to the Wrong People

We’ve all been there, that one relationship that feels electric from the start.

The spark, the passion, the chemistry that makes you forget logic and dive in headfirst. But somewhere along the way, the magic turns to mayhem, and you’re left wondering why the people who feel so right always end up being so wrong.

So, what’s really happening when we can’t let go of someone who hurts us?

That powerful pull you feel isn’t just emotional, it’s biological.
When you meet someone who lights you up, your brain releases a cocktail of feel-good chemicals: dopamine, adrenaline and cortisol.
It’s the same rush you get from excitement or risk your brain on the same cocktail as a slot machine.

The problem is that your body can’t tell the difference between chemistry and chaos.
If love in your early life was unpredictable, sometimes warm, sometimes cold — then emotional volatility now feels like home.
So when someone gives you that same rollercoaster energy, your nervous system recognises it as “love.”
You’re not crazy for wanting them, you’re wired for it.

The Science of Why You Can’t Walk Away

When love is uncertain, your brain gets hooked on the chase.
Each time they pull away, your stress hormones spike.
Each time they come back, dopamine floods your brain and gives you that addictive rush of relief.
Psychologists call this intermittent reinforcement,  it’s the same pattern that keeps gamblers glued to a poker machine.

The reward doesn’t come every time, so you keep playing for the chance it might.
That’s why you keep checking your phone, scrolling their socials at 2 am, or hoping they’ll suddenly change.
It’s not logic, it’s dopamine. You’re chasing the possibility of connection, not the reality of it.

When Intensity Feels Like Intimacy

Because those chemicals feel so strong, we often mistake intensity for love. The highs are euphoric, the lows are devastating, and you start believing the depth of your feelings proves the relationship’s importance. But love that hurts this much isn’t passion, it’s a trauma loop.
Your nervous system is addicted to the highs and lows because that’s what it learnt love feels like.

Real intimacy doesn’t spike your anxiety, it softens it. It’s calm. It’s consistent. It doesn’t require you to lose yourself to feel seen.

How Do You Break the Cycle?

Awareness is your first act of power. When you see that this isn’t love but addiction, you reclaim choice. You stop reacting and start responding.

Then comes the detox. Letting go of someone who activates your trauma bond is like giving up caffeine, your body protests. You may feel sick, anxious or empty. That’s not weakness; it’s your nervous system recalibrating to safety.

Replace the high by moving your body, journalling, breathing, crying, laughing, anything that helps emotion (E-motion) move through you will help.

Over time, peace becomes your new normal. Your body starts recognising safety as sexy and that’s when healing begins.

Final Thoughts

You deserve peace that doesn’t bore you, passion that doesn’t break you, and love that doesn’t require chaos to prove its worth.

If this resonates with you, I talk more about this topic, the psychology, the body, and how to truly rewire your attraction patterns, in the latest episode of my podcast:

🎧 “Between the Sheets with Dr Lurve — Why We’re Addicted to the Wrong People.”

Listen wherever you get your podcasts and start your love detox today.

💋 With love